Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
As a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they have seemed like hard work, often causing lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to care for me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel somewhat confused.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet someone who provides a life-changing chance for you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that non-committal encounters suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing sexual disorders.
